


The Regrets We Carry

by MotherOfFools



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age Origins
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mutual Pining, slight spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-14 07:14:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20596817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MotherOfFools/pseuds/MotherOfFools
Summary: Cullen always yearned for Seranna, and she seemed to want him back, but duty and the rules of the tower prohibited their relationship. When the circle falls Cullen is tortured by blood mages, and Seranna is the dream that haunts him and carries him onward. When the actual woman arrives he makes the worst mistake of his life, and the Maker's cruel sense of humor makes him pay.





	The Regrets We Carry

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to make something angsty, I might decide to build on this for a Cullen/Trevelyan thing but we'll see.

Cullen rocked on his heels while pleading, once again, for the Maker to grant him the release of death. The others had all been tortured into madness, killed or bewitched by the accursed blood mages; they could try all they like, but they would not break him. No matter what horrors he went through, no matter the pain, he would die with his honor intact and join the Maker at his side.

What hurt far more than any of the physical torment was the exploitation of his weakness for Seranna. He had seen her on his first day as a Templar in the tower-proper and had been immediately smitten. It had obviously not been as secret as he had hoped, and they were using her image to pick apart his psyche, pull at his heart until it would finally tear.

The bastards would flood his mind with images of her being tortured, of her dying crying out for him to save her. But more wicked than this, they would show her coming to try and save him, admit her shared feelings for him, and then she would disappear as soon as he felt any joy from the moment.

He looked up from his prayer and saw her, standing with a vaguely familiar young man, one of the senior mages, and an elf. Unusual twist on their usual ploy, but that would not change his determination.

“This trick again? I know what you are! It won’t work, I will stay strong!” He protested weakly. “If anything in you is human then kill me now and stop this game. You broke the others, but I will stay strong, for my sake...for theirs. Sifting through my thoughts, using my shame against me, the one thing I wanted but could never have. Using my ill-advised infatuation with her, a mage, of all things! I will not break, you will be forced to kill me!”

“Oh, someone was quite the heart-breaker I see...” The elf teased, prompting Seranna to blush and swat his arm. That...was certainly unusual. He ground his palms against his eyes before looking again.

“You’re...still here? But that’s always worked before. I close my eyes yet you’re still here when I open them...Seranna? Could it truly be you?”

“Yes, Cullen, it’s me. I survived the Joining and am a Grey Warden now. I came here to find allies officially, but...truth be told...I wanted to find you. To tell you I survived, and...and that I am no longer bound to the circle...our obligations, the rules we had to follow. I...I’ve missed you so…” She fell to her knees on the other side of the barrier, placing her hand against it, unable to reach his as she so clearly wanted to.

This was a torture far worse than anything the blood mages had done, to have her there, open and vulnerable, and him unable to hold her, to _finally_ hold her in his arms and kiss her as he has wanted to for so long. The unfairness, the cruelty of this fate, filled him with a rage he had never felt, a need for vengeance he had never thought possible.

“Kill Uldred, kill all of them for what they’ve done! They tortured us, twisted our minds until one by one we broke. I am the only one left. They must die, you **must **finish this.”

“I know you are upset, but we must save Irving or the whole tower will be slain.” The senior mage, Wynne, spoke calmly, but he had no desire for calm.

“Maybe it should be! Every mage in here has been exposed to blood magic and demons, they are all susceptible! None can be allowed to live past what has happened here! I will not rest until they all pay!” He stood, his anger overcoming the weakness of his body.

Seranna looked up at him from where she knelt, tears in her eyes. “Cullen, if I had not been conscripted I would be here too, would you so quickly see me dead for the crimes of others?”

“I…I cannot put my desire for you above my duty, above my commitment to the Maker. I would kill you myself if it would undo what has been done here.”

She gasped, the tears falling as she stood. “I loved you, you know! I loved the tower, I loved my life, I looked forward to spending my life here with you, even if it meant never being able to be with you the way I wanted! I would have given everything to stay! I wept for you! A demon trapped us in the fade earlier, and you know what it taunted me with? The demon showed you and me having our own life together, and it broke my heart to deny the offer, but I could never make a deal with a demon. If you ever truly cared for me, you would know that.” She turned on her heel and marched up the stairs to where Uldred and the others had holed up.

His heart dropped down to his feet as he watched her leave, Wynne and the elf close behind. The young man lingered, meeting his gaze. He looked just as pained as him, but bitter too. He then followed up the stairs as well.

After some time the sounds of fighting ceased and the barriers around him fell. He immediately got up and went to the entrance to find the door barred. He slammed his fists against it, calling out, but there was no response. A quiet, gravely voice spoke behind him.

“Greigor will only open it for me, young man. Let me by.”

He turned to see First Enchanter Irving with his arm over the shoulders of Wynne and the young man. The elf and Seranna were close behind, with the elf whispering something to her. She cracked the smallest of smiles and a flood of jealousy and regret overcame him. He broke her heart, and there were others there ready and waiting to mend it.

The doors opened and all were let out into the entryway where Greigor was briefed on the situation. Cullen’s anger still burned inside of him, a vengeful force demanding justice for the lost, but he couldn’t say those things in front of Seranna, not again. He still had a chance to apologize, to try and repair what they had. After Seranna made her agreement with Greigor, she went to the quartermaster to resupply. That is when the elf approached him.

“Good day, my dear fool, I am Zevran Arainai, Zev to my friends. I would like to have a few words with you, if I may? I have much experience with the ways of women, and I think you could benefit from my expertise.”

“Speak plainly, Ser, I am not exactly in a mood for games.”

“Fair enough. You have a wonderful young woman practically begging you to love her, and you say that you would kill her. That is…a very foolish move. There are many ways to woo a woman, and that is not even close to being on the list. I am an assassin by trade, I have wooed women that I was meant to kill, but it was not so emotional as our dear warden. The best advice I can give you in this instance is to apologize, beg for her mercy, tell her how you feel and hope that that will be enough to gain her trust back. If not, well...You are not the only young Templar with his eyes on her.” He gestures over to the young man shadowing Seranna, “Alistair is quite smitten with her, and I can tell that she thinks he is sweet, she has been stopped by her heart belonging to you, but at this rate...” He gestures vaguely. “Let’s just say that you won’t have to worry about her being lonely.”

Cullen flushes, looking between Zevran and the pair of wardens. He knows Alistair, he was a younger recruit when he was training, he is a kind soul, gentle and decent with a joke always ready. How could she possibly choose the man who scorned her over him? He swallows, looking back to Zevran. “I can’t possibly speak to her now, it’s too fresh, she...I...I can’t possibly...”

Zevran sighs and pats him on the back, “Well, if it’s any comfort, I could throw my hat into the ring in your stead, then I could break her heart so you seem like the better option.”

Cullen pushes him, far angrier at the prospect of someone purposefully breaking her heart than her just moving on. He stomps over to Seranna, his armor making his approach obvious.

“You and I need to talk, now.” He grabs her wrist and pulls her with him, she stammers in confusion but follows, Alistair steps to follow, interjecting.

“Hey, you can’t just drag her around!”

“Shut it! I’m not going to hurt her, I just need to talk to her.” He spat back.

He and Seranna went into a nearby storeroom and slammed the door shut.

“You want to yell at me more or something?” She crossed her arms protectively across her chest. He quickly turned and pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

“I’m so sorry. I’ve been tortured, taunted with the hope of seeing you again. When none of their other tortures worked they turned to showing me your corpse, showing me a version of you that would actually love me. I was so destroyed, seeing you over and over again, bleeding, crying, reaching out for me, begging for me to save you. To see you, to really see you, it made every feeling so much stronger, made the pain I experienced so much worse. I lashed out in anger, I’ve been through the depths of despair and your...your confession felt like the maker spitting in my face.”

“So, what, you want me to take back what I said?” She pushed gently against his chest so she could look up at his face.

“No, I want to take back what I said. If this hadn’t happened, if the circle had been the way it used to be when you arrived, I would have hugged you, kissed you, asked for your hand...But I can’t ask these things of you now, you deserve better than me. I just wanted to apologize, to hold you at least once.”

She sighs and sets her hand gently on his cheek. “I will try to forgive you, but there are bigger problems than our personal relationship. The Blight is upon us and the only Grey Wardens in the entirety of Ferelden are myself and Alistair, who has only been a Warden for a few months. If I survive this war, I will come back to you.” She then gently kisses him before leaving the tower with her companions.

The next couple months creep by painstakingly slow, Greigor is resistant to letting him fully serve after what he had been through, but allows him to stay in Ferelden for the time being. Then the mages are called upon by the new king, the warden Alistair, and an immense battle occurs in Denerim, many lives are lost, but the Archdemon is defeated. Cullen is given leave to travel to Denerim to see what has become of the city and of the wardens.

Cullen enters the city to see a grand procession heading to the castle. He follows the crowd and finds himself at a funeral, the new King speaking high praises of the departed. Then the priestess with him starts to speak and his world shatters.

“Seranna Amell, you have given your life to save our lands, and we commend your soul to the Maker. May he welcome you, and may you exist in bliss at his side forever more.”

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me if you liked it! Tell me if you thought something was worded weirdly! Let me know if you want some kind of follow up, I'm open for suggestions and ideas. :)


End file.
